Condition your own air.

Long standing is the passive aggressive battle over the air conditioning at our station. Numerous are the transgressions against us tenants.
  A wall was erected under the guise of privacy, but all it's accomplished is to channel our conditioned air down stairs. All doors are opened so fresh paint fumes wafting on hot humid air climbs the stairs to our quarters.
   Long is the day we endure, noxious are the fumes, restless is the night, this is our plight...

Wasting time?

Looking to waste nearly three hours of your life? Watch interstellar. It's a grueling drama starring matthew McShittyfist. Warning: it may induce hemorrhagic fever!

It's not rape

If you yell surprise and toss glitter in the air. Just ask any victim(s) of forcible intercourse. I will bet you all those sore little holes were plundered by those who blundered the social contact of surprise sex. It's important to remember, don't overlook the glitter.

Thank you kristi

If it were not for you being creepy with a camera, we would never have this...

Incontinence

There are numerous variety, from bed wetting children and adolescents to feeble geriatrics soiling their depends. Of course you have your blacked out drunkards involuntarily relieving themselves on themselves.
     What i mean to address here is incontinence while you are wiping your ass. So you have already gone #2 and are now on to cleaning that crack. I will assume you have also gone #1 and presumably have an empty bladder. Now being the cleanly clam that you are, i assume that you are thoroughly wiping yourself, apply firm and equal pressure to the affected area. While doing this, have you ever noticed how a short pressurized squirt finds its way out your tunahole? As if it feels that firm and gentle pressure pushing against your sphincter and it just burst out your urethra like a surprise party spilling confetti on your shoes. No? That's good, me neither.

I don't trust anyone who doesn't carry a pocket watch

Why would you? You wouldn't. Who would? No one. It's pretty simple really, like you have syphilis simple. You either have syphilis or you don't. You either carry a pocket watch or you don't love America. You commie bastard!

Jailbait

You put bad thoughts in my head.

Pros of poultry protection

     I suppose you're asking yourself what is poultry protection? Is it 360 degrees of electrified chicken wire to keep them secure? Is it a flock of glock packing chickens dressed in miniature suits like high priced body guards? In theory your imagination is the limit. In practice however, there are very real limitations. I have compilied a list of pros & cons for those looking to protect their property with poultry.
     First we must consider the poultry being employed as protection. There are several varieties to choose from, all of which have their own pros & cons but for the sake of simplicity i will address chickens as the poultry of choice. First and foremost you must spread out your chickens. This is best done by employing several dozen chickens of different sub species as each is prone to group together, birds of a feather flock together as they say. It is equally crucial to have several coops, you don't want all your eggs in one basket as the saying goes. This also goes back to the birds of a feather, now you may be wondering what difference it really makes. The answer, all the difference. If you keep multiple flocks in multiple coops you will find said flocks vying for your favor. Each flock waking at dawn to begin their morning perimeter checks and area sweeps. As competition heats up so must each flock step up its game. Late night planning and weekly roe training become the new norm for the chickens. The flocks that routinely fall behind will soon undergo coop coups, as the younger more aggressive chickens grow impatient with the shortcomings of their leadership. You might be saying to yourself, won't the infighting distract the flocks from their sworn duty? In short yes, but it wont last long as chickens are surprisingly efficient at sorting these things out.
     What is not well known is that chickens are ferociously territorial and will meander around like a band of ravenous marauders clucking their battle cry as they carry out their scratched earth policy of warfare.
     Force protection is an important consideration when employing chickens in such a manner. There are many means by which your flocks can folly and be lost to eternity. Predation from canines, weasels, and even other birds can slowly eat away at your armless army. This can be mitigated by erecting fencing and deploying noise makers and automated flood lights. It must be known that no matter what lengths you go to, you are going to lose at least some tiny teammates. This is the harsh reality every battlefield commander must realize. Luckily chickens are cheap and their numbers are easily bolstered by buying additional birds. These reinforcements, although necessary are no replacement for those lost in thr line of duty and are not likely to be accepted into the fold or flock as it were. It will require greater command and control in the first few weeks to assure proper integration of your reinforcements hens.
     All the reinforcements in the world wont do a damn if you are logistically loopy. In order to carry out the plan of the day, your flocks needs supplies. Each flock needs a coop and each coop needs feed and water, the water must be clean. The coop must likewise be clean. Sounds simply, but its not. Chickens are filthy fucks, they shit everywhere, all the time and on everything. This in itself can be an advantage as the fecal fields of your property will make a shitty deterrent to would be bandits. Nobody likes scrapping scat off of their sneakers. Said scat can also be a burden when it comes to flock health. If you find yourself neglecting your duties as commander and chief of chickens. You are likely to find your armless army has succumbed to disease or starvation. So at the end of the day you must ask yourself, can I carry the burden of command?

Breaking news!

Fire Hot.

The only thing worse than television is humanity

So here i am happily enjoying the labor free first 5 hours of my 24 hour shift when my partner turns on the television. We don't have netflix or amazon so in addition to the mind numbing content of cable tv, we have to endure advertisements and lots of them. I didn't think we could hit a lower point until he turned to TLC. If you are not familiar, these are the cunts who air "my 600lb life". Let me just say to the patients. I hope one of the many thrombi clinging to the walls of your vessels deep, deep down under your many layers of nastiness breaks loose and kills you.  You are a waste of space and hurt our country physically and financially. We don't have enough tax payers to foot the bill of your collective obesity. Nor do we have enough medical personnel to carry you. If you require more than two people to lift you, you need to take a long look into a very large mirror, point an elephant gun at whatever portion of you small enough not to absorb the blast and do us all a favor. To the enablers of these land-manatees, stop! You are an asshole and causing more harm to our country than isis ever could. Now I am usually one who applauds success in most its forms, especially financial. These producers however are glorifying a life style that harms our economy, healthcare system and the backs of any first responders unfortunate enough to encounter an urban-walrus. Please stop, or at least start a fund to help those poor first responders who can no longer work to support their family because of back injuries.

Anorexic Mormon Elves

Is there anything hotter?

I may never know a father's pride

I am however, as full of pride as those whores were semen. Catching the collective load of a carrier group

Know your hawk

my suspicions are confirmed

I do shit gold!

How do you take your tuna?

I like mine peppered with yogurt fueled flatulence and sundried a top a pile of pinecones.

Please write to me and elaborate in graphic detail how you take your tuna.